One of those tear-jerker moments

If anyone can melt a heart, it's a child.  Today when I took the kids to school, Alex gave me extra hugs.  Then he went to line up with his class, proudly taking the line leader spot.  As I walked away, he yelled "bye mom!"  for everyone to hear.  Those days are surely numbered.  This is the same kid who announced yesterday that he was embarrassed to be seen hugging his sister in front of other kids. And the same kid who recently revealed feeling somewhat embarrassed about being adopted.  But thankfully, for now, he's not embarrassed to be seen with me.  Last year when I would pick him up at pre-school, if one of the teachers or helpers said, "Alex, your mom's here," he would adamantly respond, "She's NOT my mom!"  Understandable.  I let the kids take their time and decide when to transition from calling me "Sarah" to "Mommy Sarah" to "Mom."  Sometimes I wonder where this boy got all his sweetness & how he ended up in my life. :)  I guess that's what people mean when they say that kids are a gift.  

Don't "Should" my Kids!

Have you ever thought about how kids are under constant scrutiny?  I mean, as adults, we have so many more choices for dealing with a bad day. Want some chocolate, coffee, or other comfort food?  Just take some.  Kids have to ask.  Want to call in sick and do something enjoyable for yourself?  Sure, you have the freedom to do that. It's called a "mental health day."  Kids, on the other hand, are always being called out.  Uh-oh, looks like you made a mistake!  It's time-out for you, bed early, loss of privileges, etc. 

For some of our kids, mine in particular, their development does not line up 100% with their age.  Take a minute to watch this clip about why adopted kids sometimes don't act their age: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/why-wont-my-child-act-his-age/   

Phrases like, "5 year olds sit nicely while we read a story" or "4 year olds don't need help to eat" are so hurtful to kids who are finally learning to reach out and trust adults for help.  Today, my mama alarm went off when Ali's teacher pulled me aside to say that "she's not listening well" and "she shouldn't have anything she doesn't need for school in her backpack."  Then she went on to correct Ali right in front of me: "you shouldn't talk to you r mom in that voice."  She had only allowed about 5 minutes to talk to us, and I really didn't get a chance to say anything other than, "I hope we can talk about this more later-maybe at conferences."  On the way out of school, I told Ali that I would talk to her teacher more later and that everybody has a bad day.  I reminded her how proud of her I am for how much better she's doing this year at school, and how I know she can be a good listener. 

But, the teacher has no idea what sort of implications this shame-based system can bring on. For starts, Ali began to cry on the way to the car.  Then she cried again as we ran a quick errand.  Upon entering our house, she curled up with her favorite blanket in our recliner and just bawled.  I rocked her.  I told her again how proud I am of her when she makes good choices and that she'll just have to show her teacher what a good listener she can be.  Today is the first time in months that Ali has actually fallen asleep at rest time, emotionally exhausted.

What a sorry state we would all be in if our friends didn't give us any grace.  It would truly be exhausting.  If every time we messed up, someone was there to say "you really should/shouldn't have..."  We have all had some bumps along our roads, and we all have to do the best we can with God's help.  I cannot express how thankful I am for the changes our kids have made.  As long as their hearts are soft and teachable, they can overcome.  If they believe the lie that they're just not good enough, just not hitting the mark, they will give up.  And who wouldn't?

Finalized!

Wow, what a whirlwind of a weekend!  Going backwards...we officially adopted the kids Monday, May 14!  We were blessed to have another mom from the kids' preschool provide attorney services for what the state would reimburse us.  She is also Alex's soccer coach!  The kids were fairly at ease during the process & Alex clearly looks ready to take over as judge if anyone will let him.

On Sunday, the kids were dedicated at church.  We are so thankful for our church family who has walked through this process with us, babysitting & offering words of encouragement.  We're so thankful that they have hearts that are open to love & have a desire to pray.  We're thankful for those who went before us to show God's love to them, and we're excited to see what God has planned for them.  They are teaching us a lot, challenging us to deepen our faith, and encouraging us to have simple faith at the same time.  After the dedication, Dave was holding Ali  & she put her arm around me too, resting her head on both of us.  I think she is finally starting to feel at peace.

On Saturday, we had an open house party.  Alex was literally standing out on the front porch yelling to anyone who would listen, "Hi neighbors!  Come to our 'doption party!"  We had a great celebration & received a lot of very thoughtful gifts.  We gave the kids necklaces engraved with their new names (Alexander Gabriel Kornmann and Alisynn Ann Kornmann) and the words "we love you."  They were going around asking everyone at the party to read them. At the end of the day, Alex wanted me to read his & then he said, "that's how I feel right now" and made a heart shape with his hands.

It's our hope and prayer that the kids continue to feel more secure in our family and in knowing that God is always with them.  He has certainly answered our prayers throughout this adoption journey!

Orphan conference online!

You can watch Summit VII for free online!  Great conference.  Check it out the next couple days!

We have a date!

Horah!  We have a court date: May 14 at 2:00. :o)  We're planning a party for Saturday the 12 and a dedication at church on the 13th. We're excited to make this official & share pictures soon!

Almost at the beginning

Wow, looking back I didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd updated the blog! I think I kept waiting to post thinking I'd have a court date to finalize our adoption. I still don't. The paper trail continues, but we have officially signed the pre-adoptive papers! So, we are waiting for DHS to transfer documents to our attorney who will get us a court date. Then we can celebrate (and post pictures!) The kids are pretty excited about having an adoption party. Really, I think they're just excited about a party in general. Did you say "cake?" Mmm... Oh, and what kind of cake do they want? Pinkalicious! Yep, both of them.

About a month ago we had a neat experience visiting the kids' previous church-the one they attended with their first foster family. They had lived with this family for about a year when they were 3-4 years old. It was emotional as we met their daycare workers, preschool teacher, and others who had known them through church. They had known the kids well and had struggled to let go last summer. In faith, they trusted that God was saying he had a different family in mind for these kids. When they met us and found out we were a family who follows God, it was an answer to their prayers. They let us know how proud they were of the kids' progress & how well they seemed to be doing. It was humbling for us to see so many people who had invested in them and prayed for us before they even knew who we were.

That day during the service we had an experience that we'd never had before: the pastor decided not to preach. Instead, during worship time, there was a word spoken about forgiving others & getting our hearts right. We continued in a time of corporate prayer until a second word was revealed about souls hanging in the balance & who would go? It was a refreshing and intimate experience-being part of the church functioning like the Bible talks about. We were so thankful to be in His presence, so thankful for the spiritual foundation that was laid for our kids. When I expressed this to the kids' previous foster mom, she just said, "and there's more to come." I am interested to see what God continues to reveal to us through our kids.

We got to share a testimony at church on Easter of God's redemptive power working in our family. We are hopeful for our future as a family. The kids are grieving the loss of their other family & celebrating their acceptance into ours at the same time, which makes for some messy days and sometimes long nights. But, overall, as long as we can rest in knowing that God is writing a story of hope...we are good.

On a side note, we have started a monthly foster/adoptive prayer support group in our home. We just have a couple families coming, but it has been encouraging for us. We've also joined a playgroup & started getting information about the kids' school for fall. I'm excited that Hunt Elementary has a diverse group of kids & am hoping to find my niche bridging communication between the English-speaking & Spanish-speaking families. It may even be a place where I can teach an adult ESL class.

Hopefully we will have two more crazy people sharing the last name Kornmann with us in the next month or so when we finalize things. Here's to closing one chapter and opening the next! God bless!

You think you're busy now...

I generally do think the kids' appointments take up a good chunk of time each week. On the list: swimming lessons, therapy, visits from an in-home worker, visits from the social worker, and periodic meetings with educators regarding an IEP. Am I forgetting anything? Oh, yes, doctor appointments & numerous trips to the pharmacy to pick up meds. Oh, and the periodic visit to the psychiatrist who prescribes them.

I currently have the special education crew wanting me to decide where my children (who are not yet technically my children) will go to school in the fall and what services they should receive. Honestly! They haven't even lived with me for as long as the time remaining between now and next school year's start date. Oh well, I will go & make the best of it. I am surprised with what ease people will throw around terms like "bad neighborhood," "tough area," "struggling school," and "troubled kids." Thankful for the City Matters Class we took through Sanctuary Church in Minneapolis. It opened our eyes to some of the damage stereotyping does.

Anyhow, I've been told by moms of teens that things don't generally slow down as kids get older. Their lives get more complicated & so do those of the parents. So, I have been really enjoying some sweet time with the kids lately. We cancelled daycare, and now I can cuddle with them when they wake up from their naps. They still like rocking at night. I figure an elbow to the nose and heavy head boring into my arm are worth ignoring since the motive is simply to be close to me. I suppose the time will soon enough come when they want their independence. For now, a few books from the library and a rocking chair ensure a good time around our house.

Christmas Cards

I had hoped to send out Christmas cards, but looksl ike they may be Easter cards or something. :)

I like this family's creativity!

http://followingtolead.com/fostering-2/the-face-of-fostering-christmas-cards/#more-3426

Grr-rah!

Struggling with the irony of my students having to drop my class because they did not get approved for funding while knowing that the kids' mom is using Pell Grants to fund her personal life and not attending school. It's just not right. One of my favorite and most dedicated students did not get approved as the grant from John Morrell's closing is phased out.

On a positive note, the kids and I went to the park today without coats or even sweatshirts! It was 58 degrees!

A busy December

December was a very full month. It started with a trial for Termination of Parental rights in the first week. We saw the kids' parents, but they did not speak to us. It was very interesting attending a trial where it's being proven that kids should not go back home. It was sad to watch the parents and hear of their struggles. It was maddening to hear how they work the system and to imagine what the kids had unknowingly put up with. It was encouraging to see their grandma sit through the trial and dedicate herself to adopting their 10 year old sister. The judge was decisive and put out an order the following week that the kids would not be going back home! (Yay for us, bittersweet for the kids, sad for the parents.)

We saw what it was like to get moved to the top of the social worker's priority list. Suddenly our emails, phone calls, and text messages were getting answered within a day or 2. The guardian ad litem was fantastic and came in during her vacation to be present when the social worker and the therapist told the kids they couldn't go back home. Dave was able to get a couple days of paternity leave. The kids took Mickey and Minnie Mouse with them to the meeting for comfort, and came telling us clearly "We can't live with our mom anymore." There were only a few tears, a couple questions, and then quiet. We spent the day together. We went to open gym at gymnastics and kept our dentist appointment. I was surprised how excited they were to get new toothbrushes and their very own toothpaste tubes. It really is the simple things in life.

The very next day the kids had a "goodbye visit." The lady who usually took them to visit their parents picked them up, and they all met at the therapist's office. The kids had made Christmas presents and cookies for their parents, so they exchanged those and overall had a good time. They took a couple pictures, the only pictures we have with their parents. Again, there were minimal tears and too much quiet. We had gymnastics and a lot of time in the rocking chair.

Christmas was a very joyful time for us, the first time kids had been at Christmas since my sister was little. Everyone was willing to entertain the kids. They got lots of piggy back rides, play time, and even got to ride mom's horses! They had a great time!

It was a blessing to be off work when all of this went down. Now it's on to the next phase: preparing for adoption. Unfortunately their mom has appealed the termination, which will likely push the adoption back until April instead of late February as we were thinking. Aside from the mental split that creates for us, day to day practice is the same. Ali was in the back of the van saying "daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy...my mommy" during our road trip, and even Alex has started to call Dave "dad." (He started calling me "mom" after Thanksgiving.) We are so blessed to welcome these kids into our family!

It's been awhile...

Let's see...the quick update is that things are going pretty well. We had a rough week right after we decreased their medicine, but things seem to have leveled out. Horah! Little lady has started riding therapeutic horses, and Mr. Muscles has started gymnastics. We got invited to our first birthday party, but had a flat tire on the way there and missed most of it. Still got ice cream cake. We've bunked the beds and put away the summer clothes. Shelly has taken advantage of our distracted nature and has eaten half a pan of brownies, a Little Caesar's pizza, and a half dozen cookies...to name a few of her snatches.

The official process is getting closer. There is a pre-trial next week and the actual trial in December. Visits with their parents have been reduced to bi-weekly, but we are worried about when our social worker will make the move to tell the kids. We hope they don't have to go cold turkey...for their sake and ours.

The wetting has significantly reduced to being mostly a night time issue. Little lady does periodically still have daytime incidents, but they are much less often! Yay for less laundry!

Skype has been a lovely tool to get to "meet" family. I'm kind of bummed that we can't post pictures or include them in our Christmas letter. They seem like part of our family to us! Technically they're not though, so we just have to wait.

Gum

I feel like these kids are a piece of gum being pulled in so many different directions. If I were them, I would have snapped by now. I think I have been doing a good job of buffering a lot of the behind the scenes stuff, so these kids can have a "normal" day. A lot of you probably know, but it's pretty difficult to set up appointments at a time that's convenient for you, especially if you want to get on the schedule in the next month! I've tried hard to schedule around the school day. I'm starting to feel like I have appointments coming out my ears though, so I'm happy that I set up a couple for myself. I guess it's time for me to see the eye doctor, dentist, etc too! :) Hopefully we don't have any major meltdowns while I'm being seen and kiddos aren't getting 100% of my attention. I have to mention that at their therapy visit, we walked by the guy in the entryway who reeked of alcohol and then sat in the waiting room only to find a documentary on suicide playing on the TV. I looked around the waiting room and saw countless faces glued to images of war, jail, etc. So uplifting.



On a happier note, our pastor and his wife have graciously insisted that we go out on a date while they watch our kids, and another lady from our church came to watch TV at our house for an hour or two while we stole away to Perkins. Mom has sent a couple fun filled care packages too. And we joined the gym, where there is usually childcare available. So thankful for tangible support! We are on Skype if you want to connect that way!

Wow, 3 weeks!

We have officially passed our "longest time with kids" mark and have had them in our house for 3 weeks now! It's busy but good. Sticker charts seem to be magical. The kids like their school, and the teachers have been gracious about their special needs re: constant trips to the bathroom. I've started picking up one kid about an hour earlier than the other each day so that we can have some 1:1 time. It surprises me that they are so independent from each other even though they're twins. We recently had them start hugging each other goodnight: about as awkward as junior highers, but at least it's a start.
Just found out that their previous foster home was with a Christian family, so that is a blessing. They had lived there for about a year. Also ran into a previous foster dad at the grocery store this week. I feel it's only a matter of time until we run into their parents.
Mom came up last weekend, so Dave and I could do Bike SUX & go out for his birthday. We also got to take the kids rock climbing-fun for everyone! The boy, who I will refer to as Spiderman for the time being due to his climbing ability, is becoming my personal trainer as he continues to bike faster and make me jog faster!

A Routine?

I have attempted to create a routine. It currently exists on my piece of notebook paper, but not in real life. I think that's good enough for me. It at least gives me the illusion of some normalcy and control.
I'm quite pleased that the kids have gone the whole week at daycare without having accidents at naptime. (What would you do-oo for a Klondike, er piece of candy?) We have resorted to having them wear double pull-ups at night. Yay for less laundry!
We did get a spot in a pre-school only about a mile away from our house. It's a nice set-up for us where they will have preschool in the morning, but the afternoon is daycare. This allows us to have some flexibility of when we pick them up, which is good considering the amount of appointments we have to schedule for them. I'm also planning to pick up one earlier than the other for some 1:1 time alternating days. I hope this is good for them!
We have been told that they are "honeymooning," but can't help being pleased that their behavior is improving. Sticker charts seem to be pretty effective so far, and setting a timer helps them stay on task. Overall, they're respecting the boundaries we set.
Last night we had a friend over, and they asked if they could please take our plates to the sink. Um, yes please! They were also cute, delivering the pie & ice cream to our guest & Dave.
Oh, and they brought their bikes to our house now. Living on a hill was great for the flood season, but it's less conducive to bike riding. Dave, doesn't seem to tire of running alongside them, ready to redirect a poor steering job.
Overall, they've been a lot of fun & we see a lot of potential in them!

Even the Dog is Worn Out

It's the good kind of tired. The kind when you have a really full day with lots of activity and laughter and then you crash at night.

Saturday was Dave's work's annual company picnic, and it was fun to take the kids! There were huge inflatable obstacle courses, balloon artists, and face painters not to mention tons of food and candy! Yum!

Shelly has been helping wake the kids up by jumping from one bed to the other, nosing the kid, and then jumping back. It's pretty entertaining. So glad we got our fence finished off so everyone can run around in the backyard!
I've spent a lot of time looking into schools, day cares, etc. lately. It looks like the kids are going to be in preschool, so they'll have a little more time to get some consistency before starting kindergarten. I think we found a place, and we should know by the end of the week. If so, they'll start right after Labor Day (like the smart Minnesotans do-enjoy that summer!).
Time for sleep...

Here we goooo!

Well, we went for about a month with no kids and only 2 calls: both for emergency placements. We went back to the Twin Cities for a week, and school started. I had hoped to have kids placed with us before the school year got going. I found a sibling group of 3 adorable Hispanic girls on adoptuskids.com & clicked "inquire." A local social worker got in touch with me and said they had received permission to release our home study to the other state, which is actually pretty uncommon. DHS owns the home studies, and it's in their best interest to keep their "investment" (you) in the state. Home studies done through agencies like Bethany usually run about $5000 & the state lets you have it done for free. I was set to meet with her on Thursday to learn more about the 3 girls.


Wednesday we learned about and decided to accept a placement for 5 year old twins-a boy and a girl. It was uncommon that Dave was home in the afternoon after working the night shift, so we could spend a lot of time on the phone with their social worker and make a quick decision. We met them Wednesday, and came Thursday evening. We're taking them as a foster placement, but their social worker feels strongly that this case will go to adoption since this is their second removal from the home. I would anticipate them being with us for at least a couple of months while the legalities get sorted out and we even find out if they would be available to adopt. So for now they're just "staying with us for awhile." :)

Today I dropped them off at daycare and was pleased to see a woman from our church working in their classroom. We are hoping to get them signed up for KDG next week.

I think we're blessed to have a great social worker who has been doing this for 15 years and has supervised the kids the whole time they've been in foster care. We have a team of people helping us: a child therapist, a behavior management specialist, a parent liaison/transportation specialist (I'm sure that's her official title! hehe), the kids' social worker, our social worker, and soon we'll add teachers to that list. We really are thankful that their worker has done everything she can to get services set up for them.

Please pray for
patience and the ability to stay calm while constantly redirecting them
for the kids to feel safe here and "settle in"
fun times together & to settle into a routine

Thanks!

Had to say "no"

Well, we had our first opportunity to adopt, and we had to say "no." I don't know how this is supposed to go, I guess differently for everyone. The kids who were offered (is that PC?) to us were probably lovely kids who "had no behavioral issues." I'm sure they would make someone very happy. But, grandma & grandpa were going to stop taking care of them (after years of caretaking) because they wanted freedom to move and travel. That's just not our hearts. It feels enabling. On some level, I expect that most situations we'll encounter will have an element of feeling like we're taking over because of someone else's irresponsibility. However, I think there will be other situations where at least it's clear that it really is in the best interest of the kids to be placed with someone else. Adoption is a funny thing. You wait and wait & then you get a call, and it's all so exciting. And then you realize that it's still not quite the right fit. So, you wait some more. It's worth it, I'm sure. So, we shall see what comes next!

In the meantime, we've been taking care of a little girl who shows some of the typical behaviors you might expect to see in kids who are in limbo, taken away from their parents, uncertain of where they are/why they're there/how long they'll be there. She has a very difficult time being left alone for even 5 minutes and goes straight into this awful sounding cry of desperation. She buddies up to any person. She spends a lot of time saying "I want my mom." I don't even know the situation, but I wish she could have her mom. A little girl should be with her mom. How long will her life be in limbo?

Sad Stuff

Doing foster care makes you think about stuff that you don't want to think about...like how adults could do things to little kids that make them end up in foster care or how parents don't show up to their weekly visit with their kid, leaving the kid heartbroken again. It makes you sad when you see their behaviors change after visiting their mom or dad. You wish they had the words to explain how they're feeling, and then you're sort of glad that they don't because if it's unspoken you can sort of convince yourself that you're fixing it just by cuddling them. And sometimes that's all you can do: cuddle, pray, and move on. Believe that God has a plan for this life and that He will see it through since I can't.

Sink or Swim!

We had 2 girls for 10 days, an 18 month old and a 5 year old. They were a challenge because they were both a bit delayed and needed a lot of assistance. With the age difference, it was a bit difficult to find things they were both interested in. Swimming was one of them though! We ended up also buying a pool for Shelly (our dog), and it was pretty fun to watch them all having a good time. One day I managed to read a whole chapter in my book while they were swimming. Wow, what a treat! My other proud moment was when I fingred out that I could put both of them in the bike trailer/stroller and take a walk around a small lake with our dog! Everone had a good time!

It was fun to see how after a few days they sarted catching on to the routine, what we wanted from them, and started having more confidence. The baby started talking more and the older girl had less issues with accidents. It reaffirmed that we would like to be able to invest in kids' lives long term through adoption.

For the last three days that the girls were here, we also had a three year old. They played well together, but she is still adjusting to our house and trying to understand what she can and can't do there. I suppose this is the norm with taking care of foster kids. We try to be explicit about what is ok or not and give them the benefit of the doubt for not knowing that we expected that of them. You never know what is expected of them where they are living before you. It's fun to tell them how good of a job they're doing and watch their confidence go up. I'm suprised how often they say "I can't" and want to give up easily and also how pleased they are when they realize that they did accomplish what they thought they couldn't do.

We are now down to just the one 3 year old, who will be with us for a couple weeks. She typically goes to daycare, so now we get to see what that is like too.

You can keep the bio mom of the 2 girls in your prayers as she expressed her desire to find a church. We invited her, but she didn't come.

Getting Connected

Happy to say that things went better than we expected with the girls last weekend. They were helpful, good with the dog (and she was also very tolerant of them), and just lots of fun to be around! We did all sorts of coloring, sidewalk chalk, play dough, reading, etc. We were bummed when we found out at the end of the weekend that although they are available for adoption, they wouldn't be available to us because there needs to be more distance between them and their bio parents. We hope and pray that they find their forever family soon! I also wish we could put a picture of how adorable they are, but confidentiality laws won't allow for that!
We're learning a bit more about how this system works. We sort of had the impression that kids were either

a) in foster care or
b) on the waiting list (website) to be adopted.

Since we have been browsing the waiting list for at least the last year with only a few sibling groups coming through Iowa's site, we were thinking we would need to look out of state. Well, going between states is apparently in some ways harder than going out of the country! (Seriously!) So, I was encouraged to find out that there is also

c) kids who are available for adoption, living with a foster family who can't adopt them but are not on the waiting list because there is a list of waiting families who social workers are trying to match kids with.

We are now one of those families. :) In the meantime, respite is a good way to get a little experience and get a better idea of what type of kids we fit best with. We already got a call to watch kids again this weekend but had to turn them down because of prior plans. Looks like we'll have kids again the following weekend (July 1) though. We're thankful to be getting involved and connected.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. There are little things that I feel can only be explained as answers to prayers. For example, usually our dog is so excited we have to try hard to keep her from jumping up when she first meets people. We've been teaching her to sit, but when she saw the girls she immediately laid down before I even asked her to. That was grand!

:o) Blessings!