Don't "Should" my Kids!

Have you ever thought about how kids are under constant scrutiny?  I mean, as adults, we have so many more choices for dealing with a bad day. Want some chocolate, coffee, or other comfort food?  Just take some.  Kids have to ask.  Want to call in sick and do something enjoyable for yourself?  Sure, you have the freedom to do that. It's called a "mental health day."  Kids, on the other hand, are always being called out.  Uh-oh, looks like you made a mistake!  It's time-out for you, bed early, loss of privileges, etc. 

For some of our kids, mine in particular, their development does not line up 100% with their age.  Take a minute to watch this clip about why adopted kids sometimes don't act their age: http://empoweredtoconnect.org/why-wont-my-child-act-his-age/   

Phrases like, "5 year olds sit nicely while we read a story" or "4 year olds don't need help to eat" are so hurtful to kids who are finally learning to reach out and trust adults for help.  Today, my mama alarm went off when Ali's teacher pulled me aside to say that "she's not listening well" and "she shouldn't have anything she doesn't need for school in her backpack."  Then she went on to correct Ali right in front of me: "you shouldn't talk to you r mom in that voice."  She had only allowed about 5 minutes to talk to us, and I really didn't get a chance to say anything other than, "I hope we can talk about this more later-maybe at conferences."  On the way out of school, I told Ali that I would talk to her teacher more later and that everybody has a bad day.  I reminded her how proud of her I am for how much better she's doing this year at school, and how I know she can be a good listener. 

But, the teacher has no idea what sort of implications this shame-based system can bring on. For starts, Ali began to cry on the way to the car.  Then she cried again as we ran a quick errand.  Upon entering our house, she curled up with her favorite blanket in our recliner and just bawled.  I rocked her.  I told her again how proud I am of her when she makes good choices and that she'll just have to show her teacher what a good listener she can be.  Today is the first time in months that Ali has actually fallen asleep at rest time, emotionally exhausted.

What a sorry state we would all be in if our friends didn't give us any grace.  It would truly be exhausting.  If every time we messed up, someone was there to say "you really should/shouldn't have..."  We have all had some bumps along our roads, and we all have to do the best we can with God's help.  I cannot express how thankful I am for the changes our kids have made.  As long as their hearts are soft and teachable, they can overcome.  If they believe the lie that they're just not good enough, just not hitting the mark, they will give up.  And who wouldn't?